he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
