im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
