The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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