theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
