I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Of course I have a pirate flag
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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