vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
