the condom got lost in my hair
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
