That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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