watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
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