Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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