Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize