based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
