she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
