I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
