An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
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