Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
