mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
