paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
