all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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