My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
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