Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
