i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
