someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
