There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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