I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
