Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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