Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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