Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
