I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
