Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
