Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
