yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
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