There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
