Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
