I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
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