just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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