i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize