I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
