I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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