i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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