I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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