The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
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