So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
