Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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