There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Randomize
