I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
