My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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