Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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