Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
