I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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