Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
