You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
