dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
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