I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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