I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
