i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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