masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
